Part 2: 4 Practical & Simple Tips to Help Grow Your Child’s Self-Esteem

- Yudy Veras Bueno, Emotional & Spiritual Guide

Happiness is a skill that we can teach our children. Happiness is a state of mind. A Choice. A Decision. Parenting today is not easy. There are so many more layers we need to cover. With the negative effects of social media and the current state of the pandemic, our children, more than ever need the tools to become confident and develop positive self-esteem. Here are 4 tips that can help:

Tip #1: Create simple mantras that you can repeat over and over– 

The power of repetition is amazing. Do not underestimate it! 

I would repeat every night; feeling happy is so good, isn’t it Chris? And he would say, Yes mommy it is. And I would continue because when you are happy, good things happen to you. Chris would finish my sentence.

Feeling happy is so good, isn’t it? Yes, because when you are happy, good things happen to you”

This became our mantra. I would ask this not only at night, but I would also ask him in the morning before going to school, when he came home from school, during the weekend, and at night. It was intentional. He needed to hear it and own it. It did not matter if he misbehaved – we will talk about the misbehavior, and I will take the opportunity to repeat it. 

It became a game, our fun game, and slowly but surely, the struggles subsided, the complaints stopped, no more crying in the morning, no more anger. He would get up, prepare his vitamins, make his breakfast, get dressed, and off to school. Not only did he become happier but, also his self-esteem improved significantly. It was like a ripple effect.

And of course, it was not perfect. From time to time, he would misbehave or act out, but I would not get angry. I would ask him, patiently, to reflect on his behavior every time. Believe me, it took every fiber of my being to stay calm. However, this decision of me remaining calm paid off. He would reflect on it and, he was able to recognize that he did not behave well. He would then ask me for forgiveness. He would say I’m so sorry, mommy, I don't know how to be better. 

And I would say, Chris, I know you are trying your best, but we must do better. I know you can do better. The good news is that tomorrow is another day. We can always start again. You need more practice, that’s all. We continued working together and practicing gratitude. I would say, Chris, you are doing so well. You are a smart boy. I’m so proud of you, Chris. In time, after hearing me saying these things over and over for a long time, then, he was able to believe it himself. 

The school was no longer a nightmare for Chris. The anger started dissipating. For the first time, Chris was eager to go to school and feel much better about himself.  

Tip #2: Expect good things to happen today, and they will!

When you are happy good things happen to you…

Several good things started happening to Chris:

• He got nominated for the student of the month

• He won Citizen of the month

• He was recognized by his teacher with a few stickers for finishing his assignments on time

• He won an ice cream contest for behaving well on the bus

• He was recognized during assembly in front of all his peers

• He got the star war spaceship for Christmas

He was so excited about the possibilities! And yes, maybe these seem so little, and maybe he got Christmas presents every year, but guess what? This time was not the same because the meaning he attached to these experiences was different and new, more empowering. 

It was no longer just a gift or just another sticker. It was an expectation that something good would happen today, and so it did and didn’t have to be a big thing like a trip to Disney or a big present.

The simple things served as a validation for him. He knew that when you are happier, good things will happen to you so, he expected it, looked for it, saw it happening, and felt it. His brain started creating the connections between what we were saying every day and what was happening in real life so, he had no choice but to believe it.

Tip #3: Look for what is good and stop looking for what is missing. Happiness is your birthright – so reclaim it. 

And yes, happiness will take some work!

Here is the thing – we were conditioned. We learned to believe that for us to be happy, we must earn it, we must achieve it, we must be good. We were taught to believe that to be happy certain conditions or situations need to be met.

You might say to yourself, I will be happy when I get the job, or the promotion, or feel better about myself, or find the love of my life, or when I get the new car, or the big house. This is so far from the truth. It is the opposite; you get happier and, everything else will come.

The simple truth is that happiness is a state of mind, a state of being. It is a decision, a conscious decision that we make every day. And yes, it takes some work and practice and consistency, like everything else in life. The point is that the same way we learned to be so unhappy, angry, anxious, or depressed, we can learn to be happy.

It is a conscious decision because it is the ability to train your brain to look for what is right, for what is good, instead of what is wrong. It is the ability to be grateful for what we have instead of complaining about what’s missing.  

The challenge is that we keep on looking for happiness outside ourselves. We are waiting for the perfect thing to happen for us to be happy, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, and the perfect car, get the picture? We are so focused on the things that are missing that we can’t appreciate what we have.

Tip #4: Learn to live in the present moment and teach your kids.

Learn to enjoy every moment like the very last one!

Learn to live in the present moment. Chris knew that for him to be able to tell me about his experiences, he’d have to remember every detail because I would ask him. For him to be able to do such a thing, he needed to be present at the moment, capturing the colors, smells, environment, temperature, people, their expressions and how they felt, and how he felt about them.

When you are present in the moment, there is no past or future, just this precious little moment therefore, worries will diminish because your mind is not concerned with what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow but just with appreciating today.

My son taught me a great lesson: that we all have the capacity for happiness and love beyond our imagination. Life is not about the challenges but how we approach those challenges.

Ask yourself this question: If you had six months to live, what would you do? Why are you not doing it now? The only thing you have is this moment.

And know that we can be happy now with all the challenges and limitations that life presents us with every day. We can be happy despite our past, the pain, the extra pounds, the lack of a job, the missing partner, or the need for more money.

I learned that happiness is possible and it’s easy, but we must decide. We must strive to find it as much as possible because it is our birthright. We must reclaim it, treasure it, embrace and take the juice out of it. We must learn how to find our inner happy place, and from there, everything is possible.

And remember, it is so good to be happy because when you are happy, good things happen to you!